just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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