Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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