Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
