I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
