I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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