i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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