The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
