I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
