Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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