At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
