I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
