Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
