Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
