I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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