How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
