Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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