How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize