I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
