Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
