i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
