The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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