it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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