Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
