so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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