i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
