Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
