true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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