I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
