took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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