i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
