I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
