don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize