you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
