So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
