Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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