I just cut my nipple shaving
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
