I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he fucked my hip out of place.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
