it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
