Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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