When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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