my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
