Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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