i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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