dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Please, let me fuck your mom
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You may now shotgun with the bride
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
