So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
