Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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