so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
