Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
