The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my being single is dangerous.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
