i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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