I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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