I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
