Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
