Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize