Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
