you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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