The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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