Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
