Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
